Hub Caps and Mop Caps
by akaeve
Summary: Written for a random generator challenge, Diane/Mrs Mallard/Drag Race, let's say something is lost in translation. Really AU.


**Hub Caps and Mop Caps**

"Hold me back," Mrs Mallard had shouted at her son, "That young whippersnapper is not going to get the better of me…Who did you say she was again?" Victoria Mallard now asked.

"Diane Sterling."

"Sterling, Sterling," Mrs Mallard roared, "Sterling, as in Sterling Moss, the famous Grand Prix racing driver. Is she his daughter?"

"No mother, Diane Sterling was married to Agents Gibbs and Fornell…"

"At the same time? Bigamist…..no wonder she is so…..paahhhhhhhhhhhh," Victoria roared waving her hands about in the air, "But who is she married to now?" pointing a finger at her son.

"Victor Sterling," Ducky replied shaking his head.

"Never heard of him, but she is married to all three?" as she picked up the leather racing cap.

"No mother, just Victor, but mother what is this all about?" as he watched Victoria Mallard now place the leather helmet over her head and pulling on the vintage leather jacket over her shoulders, "Victor, I'll show her Victor," came the reply as she now slipped some racing googles over her head and eyes, she turned and promptly walked into the wall.

"Donald," she shouted, "Who put that wall there?"

-oOo-

"Diane, what is wrong and why are you dressed like that?" Victor asked of his wife, looking at the tight jeans and leather jacket.

"That woman, Dr Mallard's mother, what's her name, Victoria, she insulted my driving. I was in seeing my 1st ex-husband regarding a case," seeing the look on her husband's face, "And Chucky said that since we didn't live far or should that be, on my route, I could maybe drive her home…"

"And then what happened?" Victor asked placing his hands on her shoulders.

"She told me I drove like a bampot, which is strange as she has never seen me drive, but a bampot, I didn't know what a bampot was until Chucky or was it Ducky informed me, it meant idiot….me, drive like an idiot, I have never been so insulted in all my life."

"But you do Diane," Victor whispered, "But where is this leading?"

"A race Victor, a drag race, Mrs Mallard challenged me to a drag race. She said she could out drive me."

"And you accepted? Oh no Diane, not on the streets, please. We both have careers….a life. You are my wife and I will not have you embarrass yourself or me."

"I have my pride, and anyway when was the last time you stood up for me, been strong, supportive," looking at her husband who just shrugged.

"See, so are you coming with me or not?" as Diane turned and stormed out the room.

-oOo-

Victor sat in the passenger seat holding onto the car door, yes Diane did drive like a bampot, "So tell me where we are going?" he ventured.

"Dupont Circle," Diane replied.

"They do drag racing there?" her husband continued, "Hey watch that pedestrian," as he placed his free hand over his eyes.

"Yes."

"Who told you?" Victor continued to ask, beginning to think it was like drawing teeth, which he hoped was not going to be the case, as Diane appeared to screech round a corner on two wheels.

"Ex-husband number two, he came out the elevator as Mrs Mallard and I were arguing. That woman shouted something about a drag race but didn't know a venue. Tobias, being Tobias said he did."

"And?"

"He said, and I'll quote him, _"Drag Racing, oh yeah up at Dupont Circle, happens every year, the Tuesday before Halloween… 17th Street, between P and S Streets NW to be exact."_ He also said, some real hard cases attend but nice cars, he wouldn't miss it for the world. In-fact the FBI go every year, they have a regular presence."

-oOo-

"Mother?" as Ducky drove the Morgan to Dupont Circle, "I hope you know what you are doing."

"Of course, that friend of Mathew's…"

"Agent Fornell, and he is a friend of Agent Gibbs."

"Fornell is a friend of Agent Gibbs as well, what a small world," Victoria replied.

"But mother what kind of car are you going to drive, I hope you are not seriously considering my Morgan?" Ducky now answered suddenly sounding concerned.

"This, this, your car doesn't have enough power, Agent Fornell said I could have a Squad car," Mrs. Mallard replied smiling.

**Chapter 2**

They all arrived at the venue; that would be Ducky and his mother, Diane and Victor and of course Tobias and Jethro were already there.

"So you made it Diane," was all Tobias could say.

"Yes, and now where is the infuriating woman?" as Diane looked about to see Mrs. Mallard appear with her son in tow.

"Now is someone going to tell me where this race track is?" Diane shouted, as Tobias pointed down the street to a crowd of people.

"You gonna tell them what the race is really all about," Gibbs asked as they watched the four march off to the starting line.

"Nah, let Diane find out for herself, could or should be interesting. We'll see what happens when they return, but in the meantime coffee, know of a little place round the corner, it is chic and definitely entertaining," Tobias now offered.

-oOo-

Twenty minutes later as Gibbs and Fornell stood back in their original places they say the four appear, but Mrs. Mallard was hanging on to a six foot three inch brunette, who was wearing a French Maids outfit and had a mop cap on her head, the lipstick, a crimson red, and the penciled beauty spot on the cheek, a red bow round the neck hid the telltale Adam's Apple, Gibbs just looked at the chest and spluttered. Ducky was walking slowly behind, his head down, as for Diane and Victor; Diane suddenly broke into a quick stride and marched up to Tobias.

"You knew didn't you? You knew that that wasn't the kind of Drag Race we had in mind," poking Tobias in the chest.

"It was all very embarrassing actually," Victor began to say, "We went to the start line but all we saw were Queens…Drag Queens, you didn't tell Diane it was the annual High Heel Drag Queen race."

"All I can say is sorry, lost in translation," Fornell replied smiling

"I have never been so embarrassed in all my life, I don't think I'll ever live it down," Diane sobbed.

"One question, well make that two, first one, and who is that with Ducky's mother and second who won the race?" Gibbs now asked pointing at Victoria and her companion. Victoria was chatting away but he could see the Queen look over and smile, he gave a little wave to Gibbs.

"That is Mitzi May, she is going to clean for Mrs. Mallard and who won the race? I did. I won the High Heels race." As Diane now turned and wept openly in Victor's arms.

The End

Author's note. I am British and I have always called the cap a mop cap, I believe the other name given is mob cap, so both are acceptable.


End file.
